apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Randomize
