God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
