i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
