Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
