I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Jerry, you need to find god
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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