I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You ate ashes out of my bong
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
