The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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