The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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