He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
