You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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