Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
