Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
