i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
