Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
