Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
