i just sent this text using only my big toe
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
3 2 1 whiskey
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Randomize
