i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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