I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
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Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
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Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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