the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
