If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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