Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
