he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
