Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
