You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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