I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize