he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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