Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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