Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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