you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.