I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.