literally had 100 drinks last night.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I think a kid would responsible me up
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
