The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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