So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
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There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
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I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery