I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
