she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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