Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize