Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
