I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
