She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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