found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
