I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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