i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
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So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
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A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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