Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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