I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
