Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
