chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize