No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize