Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
