I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
two words: eviction party
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
