It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
