My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
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I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!