Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.