Apparently you make a good broom.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
