Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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