Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
